“Sometimes, I feel hollow and empty…”
Most people tell me — I am smart, strong and independent. Yes, I am tough the way I live and struggle with my Life but there are times I don’t quite feel strong and I feel alone and or maybe I choose to be alone most of the time. I feel like I have an empty void when I go home from work or after I hang out with friends.
I have a loving 10yr old son that is a joy of treasure to be with. He is my all, he is all I work and live for. And when it comes to men I sloppy suck and super stink at it. People tell me I’m attractive and outgoing so I can easily hook up without any problems in dating area. They are somehow terribly wrong…well I have made some terrible choices. Separated and had my son with a man I am in-love with during my college days. And I seem to be attracted to men who are not attracted to me (emotionally unavailable) and the ones who are attracted to me I treat horribly. I unknowingly push and scare them away. I always mess things and screw things over. My mom had these expectations of me and my future and I so regret much that I failed her.
I have to be honest, I am not ok with being alone and I’m alone when my son is with his dad. Although, I can hang out with my close friends still I choose to stay home. I’ve always taken care of everything else and there is a part of me that wants the longing grand passion and wants to be taken care of. But as I’m getting older and bolder about life, I’m beginning to think that what I need and want does not exist or possibly not on my way of direction. And that scares the hell out of me. It makes me sad, and makes me feel lonely. I really don’t want to be old alone for the rest of my life.
I’m scared. I tell myself I am good when I know I’m lying…I’m scared to think that this is all there is to live. I have been thinking about this lately and when I think about my son, my friends and my family — the loneliness fades away then I am back from being ok to I will be alright!
SILLY QUESTION? How do I know that what I want in a potential partner is realistic and not so unattainable as to be waiting for a perfection that does not exist?